ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
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The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Chicago sounds lovely.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
i meant to share this earlier
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?