Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
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Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.