When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
🤣🤣🤣
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.