@ilovepie84: When I smell weed coming from my neighbors house I call him pretending I'm the Mexican Cartel, and accuse him of stealing my drugs.
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@thejamietighe: Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
@clarkekant: Obama says he’s pro-vaccine, GOP comes out against it. Now Obama needs to express his support for breathing.
@UnFitz: [first date] Her: So what do you do? Him: I'm a scientist. Her: Cool. What kind? Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
@Julian_Deane: With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?