@ilovepie84: When I smell weed coming from my neighbors house I call him pretending I'm the Mexican Cartel, and accuse him of stealing my drugs.
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@imadepoopstoday: Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today. Then smile and walk away.
@MrMichaelRose: *impulsively buys a private island *frolics on the island for several weeks *gets Mastercard bill in the mail WHAT THE F--oh yeah the island
@iGreenMonk: I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.