Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Simple enough.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many