when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I’m sorry…what?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
sir, my pâté if you please
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.