When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
You Might Also Like
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this