With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Meow
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.