I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Never be a pizza!
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that