When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
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“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.