When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Okey dokey.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.