When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
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Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog