When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
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My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi