Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
this post was so formative to me
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.