When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
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pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
wish me luck lads
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.