When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
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Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.