Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…