I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.