My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
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Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I hate my earbuds.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.