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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
SCARY COSTUME
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
#oldknees
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?