@ericsshadow: When I was a kid I had to say "yes, sir" and "no, sir." My son just threatened to call 911 because I'm making him eat a hotdog.
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@laureneoneal: Why doesn't anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we're such cool people out with whom to hang?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Teen: Your brows are on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek. Teen: Thanks! Me: God damn it.
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: What kind of cake for your birthday? Wife: Just something with chocolate [later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]