When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
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Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart