@CheryeDavis: When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box...But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: (Rushes to hospital) Dr: Your mother is extremely critical. Me: Don't overreact doctor, she's like that with everyone.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. "For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan."
@TheGladStork: When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
@Reverend_Scott: Recent studies link bacon to cancer. "Ya, don't eat bacon, you'll get so much cancer", said one pink scientist.