I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
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Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.