Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
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*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.