@kumailn: When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
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@Ilovelamp1979: I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
@RidiculousSheri: Him: What's your fantasy, baby Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
@jimmytorosian: *phone rings* Wife: "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me (a dad): "Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It's for you." Wife: "...."