@kumailn: When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
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@prufrockluvsong: date: I won't be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup. me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
@BuckyIsotope: OLD MAN: I fought in WWII ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio OLD MAN: what ME: Can you rocket jump? OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood* 5-year-old: Who's there? Me: It's not a knock knock joke. 5: It's not a knock knock joke who?