When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
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Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift