@ramenfuneral: when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something
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@lemonmartinis: How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
@internetluke: [leaving HS reunion w/ date] Aren't you going to ask why everybody was calling me 'smelly boy' tonight? "Seemed pretty clear I thought"
@Bob_Janke: My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I'll be buying a new house now.