Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
the short answer to this question
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”