Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
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*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
#dnd #ttrpg
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.