@JennyJohnsonHi5: When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
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@juliussharpe: If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, "Guys we totally suck at losing money."
@ranndrew: "Thats a killer dirt bike you've got, man!" *dirt bike holds a knife to your throat* Believe me...I know.
@Ivsy01: Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do. Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
@aka_fatman: Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald's burgers! Hamburgler's Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.