My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Spotted in New Orleans.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious