Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party