One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?