when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I saw nothing
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.