When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
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The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Cake safety first. Always.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Social distancing in Australia:
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.