@slimmy_shady: When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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@goldengateblond: Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
@girlontapas: I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
@FartInASkillet: Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I've decided it's basically cyber-hoarding...
@dafloydsta: [job interview] Says here you're good with nicknames? "I don't wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man" *under his breath* holy shit he's good