@slimmy_shady: When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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@lisaxy424: 30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn't calling the number I dialed.
@junejuly12: Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear