@slimmy_shady: When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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@iGreenMonk: The first guy to clap was really weird "I enjoyed this so I'm going to hit my hand with my other hand to show my appreciation"
@GrantTanaka: Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he's being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
@jwoodham: Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"