Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
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It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS