When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
White Castle for the Win
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring