@OfficeofSteve: when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
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@sbellelauren: i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there's no jesus
@julietactually: [taking the witness stand] "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but—" *leaning into the mic* I choose dare
@upsidedowntrash: ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk CHIEF: Just use white M: Permission to speak freely C: Go on M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
@LeBearGirdle: Neighbor: can you watch my dog? Me: like through your window? N: no, I meant like- Me: cause I don't do that now N: watc- Me: okay once