Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to