USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle