*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
You Might Also Like
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Bobby pin
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?