Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
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At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
me as a parent
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors