When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”