When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
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damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Hamburger Hinderer.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy