When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
gentlemen, hear me out
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Was it something I said?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.