When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.