if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
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Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My purse is deeper than some people.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”