Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
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<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,