My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
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100% of divorces begin with marriage.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse