When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Probably my best painting.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Rather alarming headline…
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Happy Star Wars day!
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”