@joeljeffrey: When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What’s that? Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you. *eats her bacon*
@o__0Dev: On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
@HorryPuttor: deer diary: day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.
@215potter: Thank god my brother's getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.