Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.