Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”