How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.