@astutenewf: When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
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@Elizasoul80: [trial] Judge: how do you plead? "not guilty" J: but you've admitted to dropping an anvil on him. "he asked me to make him a pancake"
@WilliamRodgers: Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now....
@atamba_lakeli: My boyfriend recently called me his woman And now we're living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food
@trojansauce: [after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn] ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this