@astutenewf: When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
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@MelvinofYork: Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire! Daughter: A telephone WHAT? Me: Wire. Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
@VeryLonelyLuke: I ordered a pizza. I don't think the guy understood how to get here. Is it free if it's 5 years late?
@BoyfriendWhat: Him: "Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?" Me: "no." Him: "well, what kind of chips would you prefer?"